BLOG #26: I love it when you call me big daddy!

by Tim Trueheart

A few months ago I thought, “I’m never having a kid”. I wasn’t against the idea, I simply felt the way my life was going it just wasn’t going to happen. Maybe “someday,” (Someday? Pah! Someday doesn’t exist)... Little did I know what I was in store for.

Ever been to a stand-up comedy open mic? Young comics seem to hate the idea of having a kid to take care of… They don’t want to hold a baby, change a diaper, or even accept paternity. There are dead baby jokes galore in these houses of debauchery!

I know where they’re coming from. When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant I was scared as fuck! I thought my life was ruined and I’d have to give up on all of my hopes and dreams. (I’m still not sure if that one is true or not, she hasn’t even been born yet, so…)

Thank you, thank you, I appreciate that... (Oh, you didn’t congratulate me? Well that’s NICE)

Now, I feel differently about the whole "thing". See, I was on a very selfish path, and I think this was the universe’s way of giving me temperance. (And teaching me to use a condom)

Having a daughter has forced me to change my perspective. I think I actually needed a change, (at least a little bit). It’s not all about me anymore. I now put myself second, behind my baby girl, and that’s how it should be. That‘d be so weird, seeing a dime-piece looking dude doing his hair, looking like Fabio, while his lil daughter looks like Raggedy Ann.

I had many pregnancy scares but nothing was scarier than finding out I was going to be a dad. It was the scariest thing ever... and I’ve had sex with some “iffy” gals in my day... You know, like when you’re not sure what the STD test results are gonna be? (Oh, just me?) I confided in my close friends about what I was going on in my head, and that was helpful but above all I tried to stay positive.

I hate when sad assholes go online just to talk shit, troll, and vent. How dare you go online without having a child and talk smack about having kids. YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. So, just stay the fuck in your lane. How dare you talk shit about a baby! Having a child is awesome... (If you wanted one).

If you never have children that doesn't make you a lesser person. Unless the reason you never have a kid is because you’re a lesser person. For example, if you’re rude, crude, and generally unattractive and no one will fuck you, then yes, that’s because you’re literally a lesser person. You’re neither worthy of the love nor the responsibility of being a parent. (Try not being a douche nozzle)

I have to remind myself that When you have a kid it's NOT like when Kano rips out your heart in Mortal Kombat... It’s like when Shang Tsung steals your soul in Mortal Kombat!

"I shit you NOT"

When people say "I shit you not" I say, obviously. You can't shit me. I'm 5'8" 190. Good luck trying to shit me. Good luck trying to eat me! By the way, these are joke, no bullshit, I’m SO joking. 

I'm not even worried about it anymore. How can a baby fuck up my life? What am I doing that I can't handle also having a baby? Am I that busy? Do I not have that kind of time? I have “write a blog post time,” so I’m guessing I’ve got hold a baby and use voice to text software time.

Almost everyone can do handle having a baby. You might be shitty at it but you CAN do it. (It’s how I am with comedy, ha-ha, hey you’re not supposed to laugh at that, how rude!)

I'm not trying to make you feel like you're a bitch all I'm trying to say is that if I can do it you can too. Now go watch another Flintstones vitamin commercial and think about yourself some more you selfish prick.