Every story I tell should start, “When I was younger, and dumber”. I mean that’s how it is right? We’re all getting smarter aren’t we? Why pretend we’re not? Aw, most people are too scared to not pretend. Being brave is not pretending… It’s “walking your talk”. Interestingly enough, once you've walked your walk after talking your talk you have also effectively walked your talk. Always walk your talk.

(If you aren’t a walk-talker we can’t be friends). It’s very important to be a walk-talker because nobody wants to be friends with a talk-talker-non-walker. Them’s doo-doo heads.

It’s crazy I’ve written so many office jokes considering that I’ve never worked in one ever.

I did start my own LLC almost a year ago. Although that sounds better than it actually is... Imagine being in a relationship with a fat hungry person that only eats your money and ambition. It’s like that. Yeah, and it’s also actually like SO MUCH work. Yuck!

But, it’s weird that it’s hard for me because I watch motivational TED talks on YouTube all day at my minimum wage job. Yes. I have a day job, what about? You don’t? Oh really? Well, then please email me, and may I subscribe to your newsletter?

I work at the DC Improv, a famous comedy club in Washington, DC. WE THE BEST… BUT, at least once a day at work, I wish I had an under-the-desk fort like George Costanza did. (Oh that George!) I work there because I think it’ll help me to become a comedian (that’s me dream job). Although, I don’t think I’m making the most of it because I haven’t sent them a video tape of my stand-up and I’ve worked their for 3 years, and I’ve been doing comedy for, you’re not going to like this, wait, wait, 10 years! I haven’t even done their open mic (please don’t hit me, I’m only a bitch ass nigga)

OH! Ah-ha, eureka! That’s it! I got it!

In order to not be miserable and make working their worthwhile again I’ll submit my comedy tape!

I vow submit my tape tonight, before I go to sleep! I promise this to myself, to you, and to the internet! I will submit my tape!

I think the reason I hadn’t done it before was fear, because i’m not lazy. Well, not that lazy anyway. Comedy clubs can be very scary places, (no joke) Seriously. No joke.

Sometimes the coffee maker at the Improv makes really scary sounds like it’s Darth Vader breathing. It sounds so weird, I swear I once I thought it said, "TIM, I am your Java!" psyche nah. But could you imagine though?

One reason I want to be a comedian, is because I want to travel more. As a comedian I’d be able to work the road and see the world, or at least North America.

I think traveling is cool, except for airport shuttles, they never make me feel like an astronaut.

I’m not stuck up or anything, but I am the type of guy that'll give the airport a bad Yelp review if they don't have free Wi-Fi. (The nerd is strong with this one) [Star Wars reference]

I mean I use a lot of social media, especially twitter. One thing I hate about twitter, twerps that call favoriting your own tweets needy and narcissistic. I call it confidence in what I do! What bitch!? Hold me back, hold me back, you’re so lucky my keyboard is in the way or I’d kick your lick your ass so hard. Wait, did I say lick? I meant kick your ass. I wouldn’t lick your ass. NO, why would I lick your ass? I was the one taunting you! Stop being mean to me. I didn’t even mean you when I originally said bitch, you’re not a bitch at all, if it’s your first time reading this blog, I occasionally say bitch sort of directly to the reader but not really though. Jesus this is thing a flustercuck or what?

Yeah, that’s how I’m living, and I’m tired now, so I’ll submit my comedy tape to the club tonight and let you know how everything goes. Promise.

-Tim